Hi. I am that little beast that lives in your head when you feel like your brain has withered to a gray stone raisin that falls heavy on any thought of creation and crushes it.
What you call “writer’s block” is really just me minding my own business, slurping an iced tea so loudly you can’t hear your own epiphanies striking up symphonies in the background.
When you’re staring at a blank computer screen for hours, making no progress – yeah, that would be the steam from my jacuzzi within the vitreous gel. If I don’t bathe twice a day I stink like sweaty pickles. An unfortunate side effect of my good hygiene: you can’t see the literary masterpieces exploding on your cornea and melting into meaningless ink splotches on a white document.
Sometimes I see the Thoughts coalescing in your brain like baby stars gathering dust, growing to sparkly mini-galaxies between neurons, and those things give me the willies. I mean they’re so unpredictable and who knows what germs they’re carrying. So I usually crush them with a shoe or catch them in a jar and hold them there ’til they fizzle out. I might feel bad afterward, but a girl can’t be expected to cohabit with Ideas, now can she?
I know I’m not welcome. I’ve heard you complaining, seen your Tweets that I’m “annoying” and “inconvenient” (and some other exotic words you wouldn’t publish in one of your books.) Frankly, I don’t want to hang around your brain either. But the thing is, I’ve got nowhere else to go when Feeling-School lets out.
My parents, Stage Fright and The Blues, are always at work somewhere in the world, and they won’t give me a key to the house – Fright’s afraid I’ll jingle when I walk through the school hallways; Blues thinks the money would be better spent on life insurance.
Pretty ridiculous that such misery, such pain and heartbreak, must be inflicted for petty reasons like embarrassment or momentary depression.
Such misery, that I am forced to wander the brains of homo sapiens simpletons, always being cursed and feeling unwanted. Perhaps someone will read this confession and build me a house somewhere in Antarctica – I’d love to live far away from people and their Ideas, thank you very much.
Until then, I’ll take another double iced tea and a hot bath, please!
Image credits in order of appearance:
By U.S. Air Force photo/Airman 1st Class Grace Lee [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
“Logarhitmic radial photo of the universe by pablo budassi 9MFK” by Pablo Carlos Budassi – Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Wikimedia Commons – https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Logarhitmic_radial_photo_of_the_universe_by_pablo_budassi_9MFK.jpg#/media/File:Logarhitmic_radial_photo_of_the_universe_by_pablo_budassi_9MFK.jpg
By Bvld11 (Own work) [CC BY-SA 3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons